Hello. My name is Kiani and I'm single as fuck.
The last time I had a Valentine was in 3rd grade. After copious viewings of Hey! Arnold I'd learned that the best way to get a boy to like you was by being as mean as possible, so at our Valentine's Day class party, I approached the object of my eight year old affections and poured glue all over his desk (Sorry Bryson!). He, in turn, took one of my chocolate bars and smashed them with his hands until the carpet between us was caked with mutilated chocolate while chanting "Boys rule, Girls drool, Kiani is a fool". We had to stay indoors during recess. I tried to hold his hand.
The subsequent Valentine's Days to follow, were not nearly as romantic as smushed chocolate. I skipped the dances in middle school. I didn't send grams in high school to be delivered to my crush in class (although there was the time in junior year when I sent a singing telegram to my best friend and she got me back by sending a singing gram sung, in Spanish, by one of my closet male friends and I spent the rest of class fielding questions on whether or not he and I were "going out"). And, while I've become comfortable and accustomed to spending February 14th alone, it doesn't mean that my Single's Awareness Day is in any way S.A.D. In fact, Valentine's Day is the perfect time to really indulge on the Self-Love. That's right, I'm talking #TreatYoSelf. Every year, I get myself extra sexy and indulge. Chocolates, flowers, mood music, a good book, the whole friggin' shebang. Just because I spend Valentine's Day alone doesn't mean I have to wallow. And neither do you.
So, grab yourself some expensive ass champagne. Take a look in the mirror and give your own ass a slap. Run yourself a luxurious ass bubble bath and Love the shit out of yourself, with these fun picks.
1. BUY YOURSELF SOME FLOWERS
Who needs roses? In the words of Andre 3000, roses really smell like boo boo. So, screw that. You want to smell like daisies. Marc Jacobs Daisies to be precise. Buy a one for an elegant evening of good smells and sexy feelings. Or buy a dozen, because you can. This little baby is at Neiman Marcus for $54.00.
2. GET YOUR SEXY ON WITH SOME SEXY UNDIES
As Miranada Kerr says: Sexy underwear also gives you a spark. And, she would know, she's a veteran Victoria's Secret Angel, after all. There is an undeniable power to sexy underwear. Spicing up the your undergarments really does change your whole attitude about your body and elevates your mood. Imagine looking at yourself in the cotton bra you've been rocking for the past week with holes in the band vs this bad boy. Best part? It's only $18 at H&M.
3. TURN BATH TIME INTO SPA TIME
Love the skin your in by making it baby fucking smooth and soft. Nothing says luxury like dunking yourself in a tub to soak and since Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday--you can do it all damn day if you want to. These dead sea salts turn your bath into that expensive Spa you've been checking out on Yelp but have yet to make an appointment to, because it's too expensive. The best part? You're getting vanilla calming crystals for $9.99!!! This glorious buy is available at CB2.
4. TREAT YOURSELF TO SOME LITERAL TREATS
It's been scientifically proven that the best time to buy Valentine's Day candy from the store is the day after, because they all go on sale. So, save some money by treating yourself the day of, with baked confections of your own. The recipe only calls for two cups of chocolate chips? Who cares! Not you. Pour that whole bag into your mix! This cookbook by "baker to the stars" Jenny Keller are not only really cute (hello ice cream cone shaped cookies!), but they're all very easy to make. Treat your tummy and your wallet with a buy at $24.99 from Nordstrom.
5. NOURISH THE SKIN YOUR IN
You're going to need to hydrate the hell out of your skin, because Valentine's Day is synonymous with champagne and wine and alcohol can do some major damage to your skin, which especially shows on your face. This mask is perfect for "pre-party" prep or when you just want a quick hydration session--maybe while you're in your bath of vanilla salts. This perfect beauty must have is only $7, an absolute steal. Find this baby at Nordstrom.
6. GET YOUR LIPS ON A BOY
Drake? Tom? Zayn? Look, nothing says Valentine's Day like puckering up to your favorite man. But, remember, you're spending this V-Day solo, so instead, get your lips on some Tom Ford. Or, rather, get some Tom Ford on your lips. The Lips & Boys collection is perfect for some Valentine's splurging at $35 a tube. You can take your pick at a selection of 50 shades named after your favorite celebrity boo thangs. The whole collection is available at Net-A-Porter.
7. GET SOME DAMN CHOCOLATES
Valentine's Day is synonymous with chocolate. But the only heart shaped box I'm interested in is the kind that sung by Kurt Cobain. If you're like me and you want chocolate, minus the kitsch, you've got to get your hands on (and your face in) this mask FarmHouse Fresh. It's organic, it softens your face, it smooths your skin and most importantly it's chocolate. You can scoop this up from the DermStore for $22!
8. NAIL YOURSELF FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
Your hands are going to need some seriously loving too. Make sure you give those cuticles a little TLC while your relaxing in the bath and eating your DIY cupcakes. Since you're already skipping the spa and staying in for some well deserved R&R, why not give yourself a manicure? You'll need some Nail Therapy to moisturize your cuticles and make your hands as baby soft as your bum will be after a day of lounging the int tub and in silk undies. This vitamin soak treatment is only $3.99! Such a steal for a luxury feel.
9. SLIP INTO SOME SILK
Sexy undies, sexy feeling skin, and sexy lips, need to be complemented by some sexy silk. Since you're going to be lounging all day with your sexy self, you should do it in a cute little robe. This one won't break the bank and help you stay a Babe on a Budget at only $29.99 from H&M!
10. LOVE YOURSELF. . .WITH A LITTLE HELP
Like the Beatles, you can get by with a little help from your friend(s). This. . .massager. . . is the perfect companion for a Valentine's Day Spent by yourself. Pros? It's by Athena, which mean not only are you getting off, you'll be supporting a company that's run by woman. Even more Pros? It's appropriately priced at only $69! Even more Pros besides that? You'll be unleashing your inner goddess.
GO FORTH AND ENJOY YOUR VDAY.
MAKE IT A "ME" DAY.
BONUS: Take Yourself On A Date With Fabio
He's not on the cover of every trashy novel written from the 1980s to the Present for nothing. Maybe after you've exfoliated your skin and eaten two boxes of chocolate (because you don't give two shits about gaining weight because you love yourself and know that you're perfect just the way you are), you can curl up with your laptop and the true king of romance. Watch the three minute version of the thirty minute video below, or click here to see the full Fabio Date.